As the holidays approached, I found myself quicker to tears on occasion. The last 11 months have been a challenge and a gift at the same time. We have a foster child, and with that comes tantrums, disobedience, anger and tears. We all know how to behave, but showing an emotional reaction isn't always the right solution. Especially when you are being tested on a daily basis. We've had an upswing in behaviour changes over these last few months with the holidays. It's emotional trauma time, and as clear as day, I can remember loads of it from way back when. If anyone thinks I go overboard with Christmas, well... maybe I do. I've certainly calmed down over the years. It is something I can almost control if I drink enough in a good way. I'm aiming for special, and with the friends we've made here over the years, I think we have done really well.
Our child is a "professional foster child" which means: She has been in foster care long enough to know how to work the system and how the system works. When we talk about a permanent home, or she tells us she wants us to adopt her, I don't let emotion slip in… I calmly say it is forever - there is no going back. You can't leave because you decide you don't like us anymore. However, my reaction to her announcement is seen as hurtful. Rose petals and unicorns should dance at this notion, and we should all break out into song like a musical. ♩♪♫♬♭ Errr... um... no. That's Disney - that's not real family.
Christmas time isn't my most favorite time of the year. I lost my grandfather Poppa several years ago, just days after Christmas. My husband's father passed last year. Our daughter has been separated from a sibling for the first time ever, and has a deep hole in her heart. I found myself one evening, driving home from a garden club Christmas party, suddenly crying. A clear feeling emerged: I made pumpkin pie that night - It was his favorite. The very last thing I remember making for my Poppa before he died.
✄ ✄ ✄ ----------------------------------------------- (flashback)
We came up for Canadian Thanksgiving with husband about 5ish years ago? I convinced the family I would make a traditional Thanksgiving meal at cousins house. We had the whole family around one table; About nine adults and four children. When it came down to the pie, Poppa did his usual back handed comment that it wasn't spiced the way he liked. Which was not really my fault, since I didn't bring my spices from home, so I ended up using some of the old ones my grandmother Grama had on hand. Oh… and I made him eat it with real whipped cream from a cow, not that petroleum based Cool Whip crap like he was accustomed to eating.
The day we left for home, I came early to say goodbye at their apartment. It was 8:00 in the morning. My grandmother Grama was in the shower with her Nurse's aide. Poppa was sitting at the table, with entire pie plate in front of him, eating my "not spiced as he would have liked" pie for breakfast. This is one of my last memories of him. Now, each time I make a pumpkin pie (from scratch people, NO CANS) I always spice it for him, with extra ginger, fresh grated nutmeg and cinnamon. If he ate my pie today, he'd never complain. Now I make a point of travelling with my own favorite spices. Who knows when I might need some.
☁☀ ✈ -------------- ☁☀ ✈ ----------- ☁☀✈
As we were driving home with tears streaming down my face, I felt compelled to tell my daughter some truth about life. When someone dies, they are gone - we are left with memories of them, sometimes heirlooms or small treasures of their life. We can do good deeds in memory of them, spread stories about them or re-tell famous family anecdotes, the way they told them. Their spirit is not forgotten. When you are separated from someone you love who is still alive, like a sister or brother... time often heals by bringing people back together.
It is not easy or fair that you must accept that a person:
Who is part of you + Who you love = Is out of reach
- Write them letters, poems, drawings. Make a box for them of your dreams
- Remember them and know that you will be reunited again
- Live as you wish they would live = happy and healthy
- Continue to be a big sister or brother as a role model, even when distance divides
I can't get on the phone anymore and talk to my Poppa. The closest I can get to him now is in my dreams… but we do manage to have some pretty good conversations.
As to the bond between siblings, it's pretty strong.
ReplyDeleteWhat follows is pure opinion. Take it as you will.
Comparing death to separation could be a bit unfair. Expecting unemotional/rational about this is expecting a bit much especially since at age 11. She is probably also worried about her siblings living conditions, etc. since you have provided a good home and she wants the same for her siblings.
Saying that she can't ever go back is also reminding her in stark terms that she can't see a sibling and all the other stuff it implies.
How to handle all of this? I don't know. What you can say that can make things easier? The blog post is a start, but I don't know.
Hang in there, kid.
*hug*
Mmmmmm... I like your counter opinions.
ReplyDeleteThis kid has got mountains of therapy. Every available resource at our side. Multiple social workers, therapist and such, with an in home program that will help build on interrelationship strength.
I hear you disagree, but I'm trying to remind her that her siblings are not lost. The loss and grief of a family death are different animals. Maybe I didn't explain that properly... I'm not the best writer after all.
Yes, she is worried for her siblings. I'm keeping close tabs on the whole situation on that front. On the other hand, with her separation anxiety, she wants to control who I can and can't be friends with. Is happy if I never have any friends outside of the home, and says mean spiteful things to us ... although, she is a girl after all on the verge of puberty.
Oh... and lets not forget the temper tantrums about... whatever the moment brings. Again, something we are working on with professional help.
One of her exercises is to write about how she feels, when she feels something. Or... a letter to someone who hurt her. It can be the nastiest letter in the world if that is what she wants to write. She has no interest in expressing her feelings on paper yet, but would like to write a diary like Anne Frank. I'm waiting for her desires to motivate her to do things.
As to what being adopted means - that does not in any way disconnect sibling visitation. I've been pushing for this all along. It means she can't run away and try to get out of being our child. I said one night, if we adopt you, and as a teenager you steal our car and crash it, we will be very angry and upset. But you will still be our child, I'm not going to give you away.
I do believe the bond between siblings is strong. What I'm trying to say is, time will help fix the discourse, she has not lost them forever. It could be months, a year or several years... but they are still out in the world, living and breathing. With hope in her heart, she can regularly remember them, honor them and give them a great gift when she sees them. Whenever that may be.
Did I do better? Oh... me writing about how I feel, is my exercise to reveal myself. I want to share how I feel inside... not that I express these feelings very well. She is totally allowed to counter me. I'm trying to start a conversation with her in some degree.
1. Control new parents: she has damn little in her life she's ever had control over. My bro turned into a control freak somewhat. Everything must be just so. I went in the other direction. Because neither of us in our teens had control over anything at all that mattered. I told you of our growing up as free range kids, but once crossing the threshold of the house and entering the kitchen, we were owned. Sober parents or not.
ReplyDelete2. There are far many more ways to express one's self than to do a diary. A diary to me, as a kid, seemed like boring shit. I know getting me to do it would have been worse than pulling teeth. There are other arts she can dump her soul into.
3. I'll bet you any money that all talk of adoption, until it actually happens, will be met with skepticism. Also, the general theme, someone emotionally drowning and clinging to anything/anyone(thus more manipulation, etc).
4. "I said one night, if we adopt you, and as a teenager you steal our car and crash it, we will be very angry and upset. But you will still be our child, I'm not going to give you away. "
I got the opposite lecture. Nearly every day it seemed. I'm sure as a foster kid, she heard much of the opposite than what you told her.
It's going to take a while for what you said to sink in. I got the "we'll disown you" shit. I believed it. It sorta fucked me up. nnnngggghhhh...
5. "time will help fix the discourse, she has not lost them forever. It could be months, a year or several years..."
Remember how long time lasted when you were 11. "Several years" seemed like forever to me. And time accelerates as you get older, I have found.
6. Holy shit Adele on NPR. who the fuck is this chick?
http://www.npr.org/player/v2/mediaPlayer.html?action=1&t=1&islist=false&id=132369534&m=132365447
7. Your last paragraph: I'll pour myself into a blank text editor. This can be both good and bad, depending on how much I want to believe it.
8. The fact that you are trying to communicate with on an emotional level is more than I ever got, which makes you a hero in my book. Keep up the good work.
1. Control new parents: she has damn little in her life she's ever had control over. My bro turned into a control freak somewhat. Everything must be just so. I went in the other direction. Because neither of us in our teens had control over anything at all that mattered. I told you of our growing up as free range kids, but once crossing the threshold of the house and entering the kitchen, we were owned. Sober parents or not.
ReplyDelete2. There are far many more ways to express one's self than to do a diary. A diary to me, as a kid, seemed like boring shit. I know getting me to do it would have been worse than pulling teeth. There are other arts she can dump her soul into.
3. I'll bet you any money that all talk of adoption, until it actually happens, will be met with skepticism. Also, the general theme, someone emotionally drowning and clinging to anything/anyone (thus more manipulation, etc).
4. "I said one night, if we adopt you, and as a teenager you steal our car and crash it, we will be very angry and upset. But you will still be our child, I'm not going to give you away. "
I got the opposite lecture. Nearly every day it seemed.
I'm sure as a foster kid, she heard much of the opposite than what you told her.
It's going to take a while for what you said to sink in. I got the "we'll disown you" shit. I believed it. It sorta fucked me up. nnnngggghhhh...
5. "time will help fix the discourse, she has not lost them forever. It could be months, a year or several years..."
Remember how long time lasted when you were 11. "Several years" seemed like forever to me. And time accelerates as you get older, I have found.
6. Holy shit Adele on NPR. who is this chick?
http://www.npr.org/player/v2/mediaPlayer.html?action=1&t=1&islist=false&id=132369534&m=132365447
7. Your last paragraph: I'll pour myself into a blank text editor. This can be both good and bad, depending on how much I want to believe it.
8. The fact that you are trying to communicate with on an emotional level is more than I ever got, which makes you a hero in my book. Keep up the good work.
1. Control new parents: she has damn little in her life she's ever had control over. My bro turned into a control freak somewhat. Everything must be just so. I went in the other direction. Because neither of us in our teens had control over anything at all that mattered. I told you of our growing up as free range kids, but once crossing the threshold of the house and entering the kitchen, we were owned. Sober parents or not.
ReplyDelete2. There are far many more ways to express one's self than to do a diary. A diary to me, as a kid, seemed like boring shit. I know getting me to do it would have been worse than pulling teeth. There are other arts she can dump her soul into.
3. I'll bet you any money that all talk of adoption, until it actually happens, will be met with skepticism. Also, the general theme, someone emotionally drowning and clinging to anything/anyone (thus more manipulation, etc).
4. "I said one night, if we adopt you, and as a teenager you steal our car and crash it, we will be very angry and upset. But you will still be our child, I'm not going to give you away. "
I got the opposite lecture. Nearly every day it seemed.
I'm sure as a foster kid, she heard much of the opposite than what you told her.
It's going to take a while for what you said to sink in. I got the "we'll disown you" shit. I believed it. It sorta fucked me up. nnnngggghhhh...
5. "time will help fix the discourse, she has not lost them forever. It could be months, a year or several years..."
Remember how long time lasted when you were 11. "Several years" seemed like forever to me. And time accelerates as you get older, I have found.
6. Holy shit Adele on NPR. who is this chick?
http://www.npr.org/player/v2/mediaPlayer.html?action=1&t=1&islist=false&id=132369534&m=132365447
7. Your last paragraph: I'll pour myself into a blank text editor. This can be both good and bad, depending on how much I want to believe it.
8. The fact that you are trying to communicate with on an emotional level is more than I ever got, which makes you a hero in my book. Keep up the good work.
My main comment is that you certainly have a big challenge. I know lots of foster parents, and while what you're doing is amazing and needed, it's surely very difficult.
ReplyDeleteMy next comment is this : that you shouldn't stop doing it. The world needs big hearts and strong minds to help guide those who need it most.
And, next comment : I loved that you said those things about being strong even though they are apart. The one thing, the HARDEST thing about my split with the kids mom is that I can't always be there with my children, to protect, nourish, nurture, teach, and help them grow on a DAILY basis...but I pretty much have to (and WANT to) act in my life withthe grace and dignity that they are here, always, learning, despite the serious hole in MY heart that their absence affords.