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Uncovering laughter, joy and sanity in everyday life.

Monday, November 9, 2009

What's in a name?

Why Poor Ophelia? I've been asked this question more than once in the last few years.
A difficult question, that directly questions my identity.
My biggest struggle would most likely be defining myself by what I do for others, rather than what I do for myself. Doing things for myself often seems lackluster. I get in moods where I just don't care about me. Looking for motivation in others needs seems easier than listening to my inner voice.

I like to read Dr. Alice Boyes online. She's a Social and Clinical Psychologist among other things. A few months back I found myself taking a personality test to help identify my some of my strengths and weaknesses for fun. Of all the things I found out, my levels of sympathy and morality are low.
Low scorers believe that a certain amount of deception in social relationships is necessary. People generally find it more difficult to relate to the unstraightforward low-scorers on this scale. It should be made clear that low scorers are not unprincipled or immoral; they are simply more guarded and less willing to openly reveal the whole truth.
This information was difficult to digest at first. I've always considered myself rather sympathetic and honest - maybe too honest for my own good.

How this all ties into my screen name is just going to be hard to follow. After studying Hamlet in school I stumbled across a book, Reviving Ophelia. My self-help book addiction started young. After a few rocky relationships in high-school and college (yes -I was a slut, I blame society and all the skinny models), I wrote a lame poem an inspiring poem, that detailed my feelings regarding some guy who's name I don't even remember now.
This particular boy had a mild case of Tourette's syndrome, which I found interesting. I always knew the exact moment he fell asleep, when his body stopped twitching. Accepting his illness was easy. We had a similar struggle with food issues and body image problems. It was not surprising, just mildly hurtful to be dumped for being 3 months younger than the legal drinking age - so we couldn't go the the bar together, get drunk and make out. Tall Blond, handsome, with piercing blue eyes. Too pretty to trust.

Death To All
Innocent joy
Destroyed
By a single touch
Rotten flesh
Tastes Bitter
Unlike your love
That doesn’t flow easily
“Hot dogs! Get your red hot ones right here!”
Bellows a vendor on a street corner
He sells meat the same way I sell myself:
Short
Crushed dreams
Begin to glow
Giving new meaning
To life
Yet I choose to wear a blindfold
And drown with grace like the poor Ophelia
Who was killed by a man -

But also by his tragic flaw.
-Alison Adelaide Rogers 1998Ó

The men I dated, until meeting my Prince Kansas, never felt long term - seldom conveyed feelings of security or trust. It wasn't about friendship either. Purely sex driven with most, and never truly satisfying. How I found my prince on the internet, I'll never understand.
"Poor Ophelia" was chosen as reminder to balance myself within my relationship with others, myself and society. Compounded with my love for Hamlet (my favorite on-screen Ophelia portrayed by Helena Bonham Carter) I somehow latched onto the play in school with a dorky passion that couldn't be shaken. To this day, I still find myself occasionally referring to my parents as my Aunt Mother and Uncle Father, as they were my legal guardians from age 13 on.

When in college, I had to come up with a screen name to register on the match.com website. Over my one week free trial period, this is where I met my husband of 10 years this coming, cash gifts welcome May 2010.  Remembering my poem, the name itself should have easily eliminate some men in mullets, and/or haters of Hamlet, which needed not apply for internet pen pal status.

Looking for your address at work the other day I found this. The first email you sent me, dated 3/27/98. I don't save outgoing, so I only the vaguest recollection of what you are responding to. Gosh that's a while ago. Below that is your match.com profile. The first things I knew about you...

"Poor Ophelia, will you throw yourself into the mill pond now?"

"Sorry, the url address didn't work. No, I shall not drown now that you are in my computer... hehehe. Nice to hear from you. Tell me about yourself. I don't really belong to that matchmaking thing anymore. "
~ poor_ophelia

Distance: 912 miles
Artistic, passionate, mature female looking for you!
18 year old female, located in Peterborough, Seeking 20-30 year old male for short-term relationship or long-term relationship.
To express my inner self, I guess I must divulge the following... I love to write, draw and cook. I like to talk and look for people who can entertain me with interesting conversation. I am stuck in a time warp with Janis Joplin and Jim Morrison. I am caring and expressive. 5 foot 3 inches, green eyes. I have a bizarre sense of humor. Half Monty Python, Half Douglas Adams.

Ethnicity: Caucasian
Religion: Agnostic
Body Type: Average
Height: 5ft. 3in.
Smoking: Don't smoke
Drinking: Drink socially/occasionally
Children: None
Plans for Children: Want children


In a fight, long ago before college, my Aunt said I was going to marry the first man who asked me. She made it sound like a careless act on my part. These words stuck with me a long time. I was very suspicious of my husband when we became engaged, wondering if I was loosing some bet my Aunt had made.
On one of my latest trips visiting family, my Aunt said to me in a Zellers department store, she is very proud of me - of where I am, who I'm with and of what we have together. I remember covering my face with sunglasses conceal the tears streaming down my face. I was happy to hear the words from her, but sad to know, that inside, I'm not satisfied with myself... and terrified I may never be.

2 comments:

  1. You still avoided the question, missy. You’re supposed to be explaining who you are.
    I wonder if you even know the answer to the question – or where to start. I suppose it would be a difficult task for anyone to conquer – the explanation of self. I might approach it from three perspectives: who I think I am, what others think I am, and what I’d like to be. Identity is more than a name or a career or a marriage. It is the definition of self. I highly doubt that you want to be known as Wife or Canadian. You are more than that and not just a title. The question that you ask about what’s in a name digs deeper. Or forget the question and think of it as an exercise. Pretend that you are starting to read a brand new book from a brand new author. The first chapter is always about setting the stage and introducing the characters – or at least the narrator. The author will explain in vivid detail everything that you need to know to be able to close your eyes and see that character standing in front of you. Now, try to do that with you. Write as if the reader knows nothing about you. I don’t know what you look like or your background. I don’t know anything about your personality, the way you speak or think. It is your job as the writer to teach me who you are so much so that I am transported into you. I become you as the reader. This won’t be an easy task nor will it be something that you will be able to finish in one sitting. And it will probably be several pages in length. And try approaching it in chunks. Make a list of the things you want to describe (i.e., family, physical appearance, sense of humor, childhood, etc.) and do them one at a time. After you have all of the chunks written down – try to combine them into one fluid explanation of self. Don’t worry about adding links or saying things that you don’t want people to know. You have to be wholly honest and remove any filters in your head. Just express yourself. This is simply an exercise for you and a way of discovering who you really are.

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  2. There is a really good scene in Slings & Arrows where Ophelia is
    discussed. They also give an excellent description of Gertrude in a
    later episode. The show was written by people who absolutely love
    theater, and even more so, love Shakespeare. It's the only show to
    capture what it is to love his work.

    Jed

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