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Uncovering laughter, joy and sanity in everyday life.

Monday, October 26, 2009

"If we can make dogs happy, children happy, and even cats happy, certainly we can make adults happy, especially an adult we know very very well."

It was challenging last week, to be part of the conversation. I feel a little dirty now talking about it, but what came out was -
"Your husband is mean... to you."
Am I not to him sometimes?
"How can you stand for this?" "How can you let it happen?"
Sometimes I try to ignore it. Sometimes I become passive aggressive and sometimes I really do get angry. Why is this a problem? Nothing is going to change. My best hope is our circumstances do - and a little piece of myself, a deep wound will heal. That's all I can hope for.
Then came:
"You need to find another job"
WTF? Where? Doing what? With more restrictions, less pay, giving up the very laptop I'm typing on? I heard myself say, there isn't a pill that can fix what's wrong. If there is one, I don't think I'm the one who always needs to be taking it. Not working together won't fix it either. We've just hit a rough spot, it will pass. His father just died. Things will change.

The things we once found endearing about one another may become stale and irritating as time moves along. But, we continue to love one another.

This is what being married is like. It's not for everyone. It's very normal to fall in and out of love - which makes the bond stronger.

Some days I imagine slapping my husband when he says something really derogatory, as if in a black and white movie. We fight, he grabs my hand and kisses me with fire and passion.

Some days I feel so blue from a fight, I want to tunnel deep into the flannel of our bed with heaps of pillows - drowning my sorrows with a drug-induced slumber.

Where did my confidence go? When did I become just as mean-spirited? I try really hard to be a good wife, a caring person. Sometimes, I find it hard to care. Sometimes, the negative body language really gets to me, our egos get in the way when talking to one another.

Don't tell me I'm a victim - I'm not. It takes two people to be married. Tonight I've reread some marital wisdom from a couples book, recommend to us by our wonderful therapist.
I Will Never Leave You: How Couples Can Achieve The Power Of Lasting Love
Here is my summary of the last chapter The six promises of a real relationship
  • I promise not to question your needs: We are all a little screwed up. Be relaxed about the human condition, take each other the way you are. Acknowledge that you each have separate needs, accept, commit to helping each other meet them.
  • I promise to seek your peace: It doesn't mean shutting down the emotions or placing a limit on enjoyment. Peace is not an affect but rather a conscious connection with your core. It is simply a quiet decision about who you are, which you do not forget.
  • I promise to put your happiness first: To carry out this promise is merely to practice the way love feels. Love has no fear. Start simply by guessing what you think would make your marriage happier, and put it first. Take care of your body and your emotional needs, yet still put your relationship first. Do kind, loving, nourishing things for each other throughout the day.
  • For it is in giving that I receive: Do something just to be doing it, to bring light simply because there is darkness, to bring joy simply because there is sadness. It is impossible to relate and not have a relationship, but it is possible to have a marriage and yet wait forever for the relationship you want to come to you.
  • And it is in helping you awake that I awake: People don't actually take on negative vibrations, they react to them with negative vibrations of their own - which continue for as long as they choose to continue them. Marriage is dependent on your trying to see your partner's deep innocence - until that vision becomes permanent.
  • I love you; I bless you; I want to walk to God with you: A real relationship is perhaps the quickest and simplest path to the top of the mountain. There, in stillness and humility, Love shows us a great splendor that covers everything and embraces all. To take our partners hand is not a weakness, but salvation.

1 comment:

  1. i need to read that book sometime. hope you are well, i hope we talk soon.