“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; Remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.” ~ Epicurus

It's mum not mom. Also, better said with a slight British accent...

She's all mine! 

On Thursday 29 December 2011 at 11:45 a.m. was the adoption of Brisa BellaMae Hoober - Formally known on the internet as MissyB. The adoption was easily prepared for us with the help of attorneys at Shook, Hardy & Bacon. The court proceedings were preformed before the Honorable Lawrence Sheppard in Olathe Kansas. 

Our new family with Judge Sheppard

After the adoption proceedings, we headed to Smokin' Joe's BBQ in Olathe Kansas with family and friends for a good old BBQ meat feast.

Brisa BellaMae with the Laughton girls

It's been a road of ups and downs. It's nice to say we are a family now. 2011 has been a year of major changes.

Grama with my mother, May 2009

Grama in hospital, November 2011 

Several nights ago I had a dream about my Grama. 

She came with my husband, our newly adopted daughter Brisa and our foster baby Peanut to some formal event. Somewhere not here in Kansas City, like we were staying in a bed and breakfast. I have vage flashes of suitcases and a curling iron... Scrambling through luggage, looking for makeup - Frantically trying to find my powder compact and lipliner.

My dream was so different. As if I was dreaming and talking to her like maybe she saw herself once upon a time, or how she wanted me to see her in my dream. I did her hair and makeup for this event we were attending. Helped her around, since she was still a bit fragile on her feet, but she looked amazing. She was so happy to be with us and our family. She held Peanut and commented what a beautiful daughter we ended up with and was very happy to be with us. 

I'm sad I moved so far away to start my family and I'm really sorry you all didn't get to meet our daughter in person. 

After rolling over in bed late that night, I kept wondering if Grama will visit me again in a dream. Maybe with my Poppa this time? I've lit several candles multiple times on the 29th. Especially on our adoption day for Brisa... The very same day my Poppa died in back in 2006. I guess I've been having a bit of a mini seance which may seem a bit crazy. So I've been lighting one candle for Poppa, one for my Grama and one for my mother. I do miss you all so much. Please visit me in my dreams anytime you like, in any form you choose - It's cool. Watch over my family and keep us safe. I love talking to you, wherever you all are. XXOO ~ali

"We are what we think. Everything we are arises from our thoughts. With our thinking we create the world. Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.” - Buddha

I used to hope it would be that way for us. But it is not going to be that easy.

"I'm glad mom can't have a baby"

Tonight, that comment left me with a bit of whiplash. Made me very angry despondent to here our long time foster daughter utter such an insensitive remark.


I had some responses to see if she understood what a comment like that, how a comment like that, could deeply hurt someone inside. Words stick I told her, and once they are said, it is hard to take them back. All week I've been saying treat others as you would want to be treated. This was not one of these moments. I'm very sensitive about the subject of my infertility, and when someone this naive about the subject says something rather cruel in passing, it really makes my blood boil.


1) How would you feel inside, if I told you, I wished you were never born? Would that be a hurtful thing to say to you?


2) When your foster father comes home, tell him that you are happy that his wife is defective and cannot have babies - see what he says. If you think it is okay to tell me that, then it should be okay to tell him.


3) Do you really think, with my background, with my family struggles, that even if I could have my own children, I wouldn't do foster care and take other young people into our lives? Clearly I'm not in this for the loving words and gestures shown to my family. I'm more in it for the rehabilitation of broken little souls. Remarks like this are hurtful ➜ upsetting ➜ extremely ➜ unpleasant. Learn some manners and put a filter on your mouth!!

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I'm reminded of a time when I said to my mother, about a guy she had been dating for many years whom I liked, that I thought she only wanted to marry him for his money. She left the room and didn't speak to me for an entire weekend. I was forbidden to go to the homecoming fair with my friends. I was left to cry in my room for the next 50 hours, with nobody to talk to. My mother went to bed and didn't get up for several days after my remark. What I said hurt, but she had no fight in her to defend my comment. Clearly I struck a nerve with her also. 

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If I'm wrong to bombard my foster child with questions directed towards empathy and compassion for others, how will she ever learn the concept? If I can turn an off putting remark into something that will enlighten her feelings, maybe she might open her eyes on occasion and think about how she makes others feel with her words. I never want to end up in a situation they way my mother treated me - she couldn't even tell me what I said was wrong, or why it upset her.


Putting someone's needs or feelings before your own seems hard to grasp in this house with the older children who stay with us. The 3 year old twins I babysit, thoughtfully do it each day for one another though. I'm hopeful that the young ones can inspire the older children to be better people.  Each day is a challenge and I thought it might be easier, but it is not going to be that easy.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” C. S. Lewis

Goodbye 2010 - A year of change

As the holidays approached, I found myself quicker to tears on occasion. The last 11 months have been a challenge and a gift at the same time. We have a foster child, and with that comes tantrums, disobedience, anger and tears. We all know how to behave, but showing an emotional reaction isn't always the right solution. Especially when you are being tested on a daily basis. We've had an upswing in behaviour changes over these last few months with the holidays. It's emotional trauma time, and as clear as day, I can remember loads of it from way back when. If anyone thinks I go overboard with Christmas, well... maybe I do. I've certainly calmed down over the years. It is something I can almost control if I drink enough in a good way. I'm aiming for special, and with the friends we've made here over the years, I think we have done really well.

Our child is a "professional foster child" which means: She has been in foster care long enough to know how to work the system and how the system works. When we talk about a permanent home, or she tells us she wants us to adopt her, I don't let emotion slip in… I calmly say it is forever - there is no going back. You can't leave because you decide you don't like us anymore. However, my reaction to her announcement is seen as hurtful. Rose petals and unicorns should dance at this notion, and we should all break out into song like a musical. ♩♪♫♬♭ Errr... um... no. That's Disney - that's not real family.

Christmas time isn't my most favorite time of the year. I lost my grandfather Poppa several years ago, just days after Christmas. My husband's father passed last year. Our daughter has been separated from a sibling for the first time ever, and has a deep hole in her heart. I found myself one evening, driving home from a garden club Christmas party, suddenly crying.  A clear feeling emerged: I made pumpkin pie that night - It was his favorite. The very last thing I remember making for my Poppa before he died. 

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We came up for Canadian Thanksgiving with husband about 5ish years ago? I convinced the family I would make a traditional Thanksgiving meal at cousins house. We had the whole family around one table; About nine adults and four children. When it came down to the pie, Poppa did his usual back handed comment that it wasn't spiced the way he liked. Which was not really my fault, since I didn't bring my spices from home, so I ended up using some of the old ones my grandmother Grama had on hand. Oh… and I made him eat it with real whipped cream from a cow, not that petroleum based Cool Whip crap like he was accustomed to eating. 

The day we left for home, I came early to say goodbye at their apartment. It was 8:00 in the morning. My grandmother Grama was in the shower with her Nurse's aide. Poppa was sitting at the table, with entire pie plate in front of him, eating my "not spiced as he would have liked" pie for breakfast. This is one of my last memories of him. Now, each time I make a pumpkin pie (from scratch people, NO CANS) I always spice it for him, with extra ginger, fresh grated nutmeg and cinnamon. If he ate my pie today, he'd never complain. Now I make a point of travelling with my own favorite spices. Who knows when I might need some.

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As we were driving home with tears streaming down my face, I felt compelled to tell my daughter some truth about life. When someone dies, they are gone - we are left with memories of them, sometimes heirlooms or small treasures of their life. We can do good deeds in memory of them, spread stories about them or re-tell famous family anecdotes, the way they told them. Their spirit is not forgotten. When you are separated from someone you love who is still alive, like a sister or brother... time often heals by bringing people back together.

It is not easy or fair that you must accept that a person: 

Who is part of you + Who you love = Is out of reach

• Write them letters, poems, drawings. Make a box for them of your dreams
• Remember them and know that you will be reunited again 
• Live as you wish they would live = happy and healthy 
• Continue to be a big sister or brother as a role model, even when distance divides

I can't get on the phone anymore and talk to my Poppa. The closest I can get to him now is in my dreams… but we do manage to have some pretty good conversations. 

"If we can make dogs happy, children happy, and even cats happy, certainly we can make adults happy, especially an adult we know very very well."

It was challenging last week, to be part of the conversation. I feel a little dirty now talking about it, but what came out was -

"Your husband is mean... to you."

Am I not to him sometimes?

"How can you stand for this?" "How can you let it happen?"

Sometimes I try to ignore it. Sometimes I become passive aggressive and sometimes I really do get angry. Why is this a problem? Nothing is going to change. My best hope is our circumstances do - and a little piece of myself, a deep wound will heal. That's all I can hope for.
Then came:

"You need to find another job"

WTF? Where? Doing what? With more restrictions, less pay, giving up the very laptop I'm typing on? I heard myself say, there isn't a pill that can fix what's wrong. If there is one, I don't think I'm the one who always needs to be taking it. Not working together won't fix it either. We've just hit a rough spot, it will pass. His father just died. Things will change.

The things we once found endearing about one another may become stale and irritating as time moves along. But, we continue to love one another.

This is what being married is like. It's not for everyone. It's very normal to fall in and out of love - which makes the bond stronger.

Some days I imagine slapping my husband when he says something really derogatory, as if in a black and white movie. We fight, he grabs my hand and kisses me with fire and passion.

Some days I feel so blue from a fight, I want to tunnel deep into the flannel of our bed with heaps of pillows - drowning my sorrows with a drug-induced slumber.

Where did my confidence go? When did I become just as mean-spirited? I try really hard to be a good wife, a caring person. Sometimes, I find it hard to care. Sometimes, the negative body language really gets to me, our egos get in the way when talking to one another.

Don't tell me I'm a victim - I'm not. It takes two people to be married. Tonight I've reread some marital wisdom from a couples book, recommend to us by our wonderful therapist.
I Will Never Leave You: How Couples Can Achieve The Power Of Lasting Love
Here is my summary of the last chapter The six promises of a real relationship

• I promise not to question your needs: We are all a little screwed up. Be relaxed about the human condition, take each other the way you are. Acknowledge that you each have separate needs, accept, commit to helping each other meet them.

• I promise to seek your peace: It doesn't mean shutting down the emotions or placing a limit on enjoyment. Peace is not an affect but rather a conscious connection with your core. It is simply a quiet decision about who you are, which you do not forget.

• I promise to put your happiness first: To carry out this promise is merely to practice the way love feels. Love has no fear. Start simply by guessing what you think would make your marriage happier, and put it first. Take care of your body and your emotional needs, yet still put your relationship first. Do kind, loving, nourishing things for each other throughout the day.

• For it is in giving that I receive: Do something just to be doing it, to bring light simply because there is darkness, to bring joy simply because there is sadness. It is impossible to relate and not have a relationship, but it is possible to have a marriage and yet wait forever for the relationship you want to come to you.

• And it is in helping you awake that I awake: People don't actually take on negative vibrations, they react to them with negative vibrations of their own - which continue for as long as they choose to continue them. Marriage is dependent on your trying to see your partner's deep innocence - until that vision becomes permanent.
  

• I love you; I bless you; I want to walk to God with you: A real relationship is perhaps the quickest and simplest path to the top of the mountain. There, in stillness and humility, Love shows us a great splendor that covers everything and embraces all. To take our partners hand is not a weakness, but salvation.