"I would like to thank you all for helping us to make sense of this world, and when it didn't make sense, for teaching us to lie back and enjoy it. For showing us what was true, real and beautiful about this world."

ℳy house is a mess. My kitchen it torn up a bit.

We are meeting the brother of our foster baby and his adoptive family this 

weekend. I've invited everyone to our house, as we have nothing to hide or be ashamed of - If it is under construction, so be it. I'll still cook my ass off this week in preparation, as we have had nobody over since Christmas day brunch. We have the grill outside, so all I have to make is my side dishes, which are the easiest part. The biggest challenge - In this stage - Is the little black ants that everyone has right now - They are what makes cooking in my kitchen less than desirable. Every ant bait I make or buy has little power over these sneaky little suckers. They need to go live in the garden - that would make me much happier.

So, here I am, conflicted with emotion. I'm meeting for the first time, the new mother of my foster son. We are awaiting the ICPC paperwork to go through.  Eventually he will be moved to another state - where he can live/grow up with his biological brother, who is two years old. Our baby peanut is thriving - He is happy, learning, teething, and just the best baby in the world. I couldn't have had a better experience taking a foster baby. And… sadly, I find myself crying, that I wish we could have one of my own, I wish we could keep him at the very least. This point, we are at zero percent chance of having him staying with us, and it seems to rip up our whole family emotionally. Even my husband has expressed sadness, which is really big of him. I know we are doing something good - I feel as if we are doing something not many can do. My heart break will be, we will grieve the loss, like we have done so many times before. Then we will continue onto another challenge. Currently, I've hired a personal trainer to kick my ass back into shape. I'm still sore from my first visit last Friday. Maybe she can take my mind off of things and I'll shift my focus a bit.

When new Momma and I talk online or the phone, it's like talking to myself, from some other timeline - like in some science fiction show. We share many similar problems with our bodies, as they have both betrayed us with the blessing of infertility - Even though our love for having children is strong. We share similar issues with emotional eating and weight problems. Mine started really early in grade school, it's a hard habit to break - not like quitting smoking or drinking. Food is always something you need to consume to survive. I want to not like this women, as she is taking away a baby that I have loved and cared for as long as he was 3 days old, but how can I not like her? ... She is just another version of myself from another dimension. She is wonderful and deserves this little boy - and our peanut deserves to know this brother. 

It may seem a bit strange to pour your heart out to someone you have never met in person. Although, that is how I met my husband eleven years ago. I might have a gift for finding and talking with kindred spirits online. I'm not sure what to think about - I'm going to try and focus this week on getting my house in order for Saturday. Even with the 3 year old twins durring the day, we can tackle this as an adventure. With my husband gone on his business trip, it might be easier to get a few things done. Or at least, he will be spared the pain of interacting with me in my frantic, get-the-house-clean bitchy state.

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"Human beings never think for themselves, they find it too uncomfortable. For the most part, members of our species simply repeat what they are told--and become upset if they are exposed to any different view. ... We are stubborn, self-destructive conformists. Any other view of our species is just a self-congratulatory delusion." Michael Crichton The Lost World

I used to hope it would be that way for us. But it is not going to be that easy.

"I'm glad mom can't have a baby"

Tonight, that comment left me with a bit of whiplash. Made me very angry despondent to here our long time foster daughter utter such an insensitive remark.


I had some responses to see if she understood what a comment like that, how a comment like that, could deeply hurt someone inside. Words stick I told her, and once they are said, it is hard to take them back. All week I've been saying treat others as you would want to be treated. This was not one of these moments. I'm very sensitive about the subject of my infertility, and when someone this naive about the subject says something rather cruel in passing, it really makes my blood boil.


1) How would you feel inside, if I told you, I wished you were never born? Would that be a hurtful thing to say to you?


2) When your foster father comes home, tell him that you are happy that his wife is defective and cannot have babies - see what he says. If you think it is okay to tell me that, then it should be okay to tell him.


3) Do you really think, with my background, with my family struggles, that even if I could have my own children, I wouldn't do foster care and take other young people into our lives? Clearly I'm not in this for the loving words and gestures shown to my family. I'm more in it for the rehabilitation of broken little souls. Remarks like this are hurtful ➜ upsetting ➜ extremely ➜ unpleasant. Learn some manners and put a filter on your mouth!!

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I'm reminded of a time when I said to my mother, about a guy she had been dating for many years whom I liked, that I thought she only wanted to marry him for his money. She left the room and didn't speak to me for an entire weekend. I was forbidden to go to the homecoming fair with my friends. I was left to cry in my room for the next 50 hours, with nobody to talk to. My mother went to bed and didn't get up for several days after my remark. What I said hurt, but she had no fight in her to defend my comment. Clearly I struck a nerve with her also. 

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If I'm wrong to bombard my foster child with questions directed towards empathy and compassion for others, how will she ever learn the concept? If I can turn an off putting remark into something that will enlighten her feelings, maybe she might open her eyes on occasion and think about how she makes others feel with her words. I never want to end up in a situation they way my mother treated me - she couldn't even tell me what I said was wrong, or why it upset her.


Putting someone's needs or feelings before your own seems hard to grasp in this house with the older children who stay with us. The 3 year old twins I babysit, thoughtfully do it each day for one another though. I'm hopeful that the young ones can inspire the older children to be better people.  Each day is a challenge and I thought it might be easier, but it is not going to be that easy.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” C. S. Lewis