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Uncovering laughter, joy and sanity in everyday life.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

"Because I could not stop for death, He kindly stopped for me; The carriage held but just ourselves and immortality" - Emily Dickinson

Words from a friend when I was coming back from Canada that frequently make me cry each time I read them:
"Love you Ali! Know that everything you ever looked for in your own mother and couldn't find you see reflected back at you in the love your own children have for you now. Come home soon and kiss your babies and wrap yourself up in that feeling!" ~DBR (via Facebook)

Crossing Border from Sarnia, ON, Canada

Catherine Rogers First Trip to the USA

I read that Facebook post to myself over and over while sitting on the bridge coming back into Canada with my friend Ben with tears streaming down my face. I cried even harder when Eric Clapton came on the radio singing Tears in Heaven. A song that my mother and I frequently listened to when I lived with her as a preteen. He did a live concert in Toronto that was broadcasted on Much Music back in the early 90's. Which for those who don't know, Much Music is Canada's version of MTV.

You can read about my friend's road trip to/from Canada experience here: 
Ben's Blog - Oh Canada a series of 1 - 7 posts which is a pretty good take on what happened. I can't begin to chronicle our journey to and from Canada at this time. I'm not ready to even begin writing about that, and I may never will.

For those that we have lost, I dedicate this year to my recently lost mother and Grama.  For those whom we miss dearly, know we have never forgotten you Poppa. Please watch over our healthy new daughter wherever you all are. She will help make our memories of you all stronger and more alive with her spirit.
Charles FJ Rogers November 1923 - 29 December 2006 * Catherine C Rogers July 1950 - 25 October, 2011 * L Constance Rogers May 1925 - 27 November 2011 
 My first Christmas December 25th 1979 

I can't say all I want to say right now, but I'm feeling a bit lost by the amount of people who have died this last year... and over the years. I don't know how much more loss I can take right now. On one hand, I'm extremely happy that we are officially adopting our twelve year old foster daughter. On the other hand, with the baby we have had since he was three days old, now just turning eleven months, the undetermined circumstances of where he will live forever is emotionally complicated.

I was told by my Aunt a few weeks ago that I didn't help enough when I was in Canada - Cleaning up my mothers mess. I was also deeply hurt by the timeline of when I finally learned about my grandmothers death. She passed at nine in the morning EST and I didn't know until around six o'clock CST that evening. I was in the middle of baking cookies for my family at that very moment. I managed to finish baking the cookies with tears streaming down my face... which became named Cookies of Sorrow - "Who would like to eat a cookie of sorrow my husband would say?" They may have even tasted better with the added tears to the batter. 

So if you see me and wonder why I'm not in a good mood, or why this Christmas holiday has put me off, just know it's not you - It's me. I cry randomly, I'm irritable, I'm just grieving. I'm trying to hold onto what I can and get back to normal. Although I'm not sure what is normal anymore. Some things just can't be fixed and I've been feeling a bit emotionally broken. Working out and eating right seems to help and I've been trying to keep up with that, but it's still hard to get even the most minor of things done sometimes, like keeping up with the housework. Can twelve year olds clean toilets?

"I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness and the willingness to remain vulnerable. All these and other factors combined, if the circumstances are right, can teach and can lead to rebirth." Anne Morrow Lindbergh